7 Utterly “Lost” Cities of America
Mon, Jun 9, 2008
By new Environmental Graffiti Artist Brad Handley
While many might believe the term “lost” might only refer to misplaced items and confusing TV dramas, the cities in this article stretch the definition far beyond what Merriam-Webster ever considered. Some are lost to politics, others to education, and still other cities are just plain lost.
7. Roanoke Colony, NC
Why is it lost?
Between 1585 and 1587, Sir Walter Raleigh attempted to establish the first English colony in the New World and failed miserably. War with Spain prevented resupply from England for three years. When people finally got the brilliant idea to go check on them, everyone had vanished. Thank you government!
Can it be found?
Many theories about the fate of the people of Roanoke exist. Some believe that they were massacred by natives, others believe they joined other colonies. Currently, DNA tests are being done on local residents to find possible descendants.
Should you care?
Not really, unless you trust your government to ensure your safety.
6. Provo, Utah
Why is it lost?
The Bay Area Center for Voting Research ranked Provo as the most Conservative City in America. Seeing as how conservatives can be blamed for the widespread denial of global warming (read: the biggest threat to human beings second only to bears) I believe the lost title is prudent. For additional proof of lost status the Osmond family was born, bred and still inhabit and terrify this fantastic little town.
Can it be found?
Perhaps, but not likely. Donny Osmond is a lost cause.
Should you care?
Most definitely. Conservative parties only deny the existence of a global catastrophe because it threatens fiscal bottom lines. Someone needs to explain to them the negative effects of not having actual people around to buy their products and services.
5. Clearwater, Florida
Why is it lost?
One word, many connotations: Scientology. The town of Clearwater is host to Scientology headquarters and the future home of the “Super Power Building,” a whacked out $45 million dollar, 170,000 square foot building that is the terrestrial equivalent to the Death Star.
Can it be found?
There are those in Clearwater who oppose the Scientology Empire as demonstrated by a 1997 protest. However, with the recent news that the beloved Will Smith might be joining the ranks of the previously beloved John Travolta and the bat-shit crazy Tom Cruise, the dark side will quickly become undeniable to Clearwater citizens.
Should you care?
Only if they begin to employ storm troopers and/or they take away my antidepressants.
4. Sin City
Someone borrowed my DVD and I forgot who.
3. Fort Wayne, Indiana
Why is it lost?
Men’s Health Magazine rated Fort Wayne as the dumbest city in the United States. While I am unsure of the criteria used by Men’s Health, I assume that it has something to do with the name of their hockey team, the Fort Wayne “Komets.” Yes, that’s comets with a K.
Can it be found?
While the phrase “US intelligence” is quite the international oxymoron, I do believe that Fort Wayne and similar cities can one day become significantly less dumb and perhaps even reach the sub par standards of the rest of the country.
Should you care?
Probably not. At the end of the day, Fort Wayne residents can still claim that they are all smarter than their president… whom they voted for in 2000 and 2004.
2. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Why is it lost?
Congratulations are in order. In three short years, Pittsburgh went from the number four most polluted city in America to the number one spot, replacing Los I-don’t-trust-air-I-can’t-see Angeles. Wow Pittsburgh, you really outdid yourself.
Can it be found?
Let’s hope so.
Should you care?
Yes. One-hundred percent yes. With the United States’ refusal to sign the Kyoto Protocol, the rest of the world and the other Kyoto signers feel no obligation to adhere to the protocol standards. Who can blame them? The US and China are by far the most polluting countries, so there really is no motivation for the rest of the world to follow suit. Until the United States government acknowledges the problems facing the planet and does something about it, it is up to individuals and city officials to make what small contributions they can. Pittsburgh, being the worst offender, has a unique opportunity to set an example and clean up their act. They could perhaps inspire other cities to do the same and make a real difference.
1. Washington DC
I’m really not even going to touch this one. Editors, please fill the following space with expletives and the names of random politicians.
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June 9th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
fuck yeah, agree with you all the way. FUCK REPUBLICANS. scum of the goddamn planet.
June 9th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
I lived and worked for over 7 years of my life in Clearwater, (as an admitted, sigh, Sicentology staff dupe training supervisor, I trained staff for Scientology centers worldwide) 1975-1983.
Then I lived in LA region doing two decades of mind numbing science fictionesque Scientology staffer duties.
1983-2003.
Now I’ve quit Scientology and I’ve lived in Pittsburgh for 4 years.
LA’s pollution and Pittsburgh’s pollution is NOTHING like it used to be in the 1970s!
In Pittsburgh, the prevailing winds are northwest towards southeast, and you just have to live upwind of the Clairton US Steel coke plant (coke is burned coal used to fire the steel mill). The Clairton coke plant is the reason for Pittsburgh’s number 1 pollution spot. The coke plant’s getting an overhaul, and in a couple years the pollution will be WAY DOWN.
http://alleghenysc.org/?p=564
Pittsburgh has great housing bargains, incredible views of the rivers. Thousands of great old homes at 1/7th the cost of LA. Great area if you ask me!
June 9th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
brad, there’s a lot more going on in clearwater than one protest back in ‘97. there has been an active campaign to get the cult out of clearwater (and everywhere else it exists) since february 2008. look up the efforts of Anonymous, or just visit the website i linked. we will not stop until clearwater (and all other beautiful places being marred by the cult) is saved!
oh, and they want to take much more than your anti-depressants, Brad…they want to “clear” the WORLD, and those that don’t comply…well, they’ll be disposed of quickly and with no remorse. cough. seriously. look up the definition of a “suppressive person”. that’s you!
June 9th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Not impressed guys. The only good one was Roanoke. Most of these are utterly superficial and silly.
June 9th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Where’s Detroit? Or Gary, Indiana? Then you’ll have a greater appreciation for the rot of America’s cities.
Or Cincinnati?
June 10th, 2008 at 2:18 am
The only “active campaign” in Clearwater is by 28 Anonymous supporters (by last month’s count) in Halloween drag. The Anons are despised by shop owners and city government and most are there to “party” anyway.
June 10th, 2008 at 2:41 am
Portland, Oregon should be #1. I have never seen so many young, drugged out, homeless, liberal, wastes of life just sitting around and asking for money in my life. They are like this article, just complaining about problems and doing nothing to propose solutions. I feel that I am dumber for reading this. Thanks for wasting my time.
June 10th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I have your Sin City DVD.
June 10th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
You know I tend to forgive poor writing so long as if the satire can at least make up for it. Perhaps you should stick at your current graffiti talents and worry more about how your mouth emits CO2 gases each time you speak.
June 10th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
roanoke was the only good one, everything after that was just random political garbage
June 10th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Excellent article. I believe we get Washington back in November. I’m worried we will never return Clearwater to a rightful state….the rest of them, oh well.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
tell that to the city council who refused to ban or even discuss the possibility of banning the protests. and as far as local shop owners “despising” the protestors goes…yes, a petition was filed, but all of the names on it were those of scientologists (save two, which were false representations altogether). face it, scientology, your reign of terror, your destruction of the tourism industry in clearwater is coming to an end. i recommend sitting back and watching Anonymous facilitate the cancellation of your tax exempt status and drain your abusive cult of money until they are forced into bankruptcy. it has ruined too many lives, and been allowed to exist unmitigated for too long.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Just look up Project Normandy on Wikipedia. You can read all about the Church of Scientology’s plan to infiltrate and take over the city of Clearwater. This project was discovered when the FBI raided Scientology headquarters in 1977.
In case you’re wondering why Anonymous wears masks to thier protests, jus look up the Church of Scientology Fair Game policy which states that any SP (enemy of scientology) “May be deprived of property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed”
June 10th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
That was really weak. Not funny, not accurate. Clearwater is lost, you got one thing right.
June 10th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
You need to do a little more research for your writing. Not only were none of the singing Osmonds or their older brothers born in Provo, Utah (in fact Jimmy Osmond was born in California), almost none of the family make the city their home at the present time.
Just a little fyi.
June 10th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Global warming is a hoax. You’ve been duped by the biased media that refuses to discuss the thousands of scientists who dispute the man-made global warming theory.
Wake up.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Provo = Clearwater. Bland weirdness on a grand scale.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
“The only “active campaign” in Clearwater is by 28 Anonymous supporters (by last month’s count) in Halloween drag. The Anons are despised by shop owners and city government and most are there to “party” anyway.”? Excuse me? I have been to every single Anonymous protest in Clearwater. At our VERY LOWEST we were still 100 people. The only shopkeepers that despise us are Scientologists — get a link to the petition, I dare you; we’ve already proven that. And city government has REPEATEDLY defended us, as have the cops. LURK MOAR.
And Clearwater is by no means lost. Perhaps instead of bawwwing over how bad it is, you should do something to FIX it, Brad. The rest of us are.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Instead of Provo, you could have listed Promontory, Utah as a lost city. This is teh spot where the transcontinental railroad was completed and teh Golden Spike driven. The town was briefly a sin city of railroad workers, gamblers and hookers. The town faded as the West settled, then the railroad built a causeway across Great Salt Lake. The railroad past Promontory then becamse a secondary route, and was torn up in World War II for the steel that was needed.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Yes, you should go and do some home work: searching the web will bring you to several articles about Donny Osmond in which he explains his worries about global warming and how he has changed his car, and made his house as energy efficient as possible. And Crazy Horses , written by the Osmonds in 1972, is about pollution: the first eco-song!
June 10th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
I forgot another one: Rosewood, Florida in Levy County. It was a prosperous littkle town for sawmill workers harvesting cedar. But area whites got so bent out of shape by black people being able to have a nice middle-class life there (”Who do they think they are puttin’ on airs like that?”) that Klansmmen and assorted thugs burned the town on New Year’s Day, 1923, killing an undetermined number of people. The town was never rebuilt.
June 10th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Lolwut? Protest in 1997?
Try again.
June 10th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
lol Utah
June 11th, 2008 at 5:48 am
You forgot New Orleans.
Flooded three years ago and 70% of the city hasn’t been rebuilt/repaired. Crime rate is back to pre-hurricane numbers, even though 30% of the populace never moved back in.
June 11th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
I’m sorry, I’m a little confused. Did you actually TRY to put a little thought and effort into this, or did you just regurgitate a steaming, congealed mass of extreme leftist propaganda, pick out the biggest chunks and hurl them at a blog page?
I’m guessing the latter.
LURK MOAR.
June 12th, 2008 at 4:04 am
This read like a bad cracked.com article, whoever wrote this should probably quit blogging and keep their day job, and if blogging is your day job, you should probably be worried about keeping it.
June 12th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
This really gets my thetans all stirred up inside. Tidbits on lots of places I didn’t think about and then I get to the part where there’s news of the Fresh Prince rocking the house with Xenu and cutting an intergalactic record and Donnie Osmand might host the special in primetime?!
Maybe I just read too fast through everything…
BTW, I don’t think Washington, D.C. is lost anymore, I’m pretty sure Nick Cage found it in one of those National Treasure movies.